2 Brendans.com

1.Roger Clemens-How many millions are being wasted on this trial? He did steroids,everyone knows this even delusional yankee fans that are convinced Derek Jeter is the best player ever and that closer is an actual important position.

2.Sanchez vs. Tebow-The season didn’t even start yet so enough with the retarded debates about who the starter is gonna be.The real concern should be about who is better looking,Tebow has the boy next door thing going but Sanchez is latino and I can’t decide who is more attractive.

3.Jonathan Vilma-I am pretty sure every team in the nfl puts bounties on peoples heads.If you believe that these pumped up steroid freaks that try to knock each others heads off every week are not offering each other incentives than you are an idiot and if you are interested in buying a bridge I have one to sell you.

4.Chris Bosh-Dwayne Wade and Lebron James are probably 2 of the top 10 players in the nba and if they lose it is because Lebron chokes in the clutch.Powers forwards that put up 15 points a game are a dime a dozen.

5.John Tortella interviews-I’ll be honest I can’t decide if I love or hate this guy.If he is being a douche because that is just how he is than I love him,but if he is being rude because he is convinced he is important because he coaches the Rangers than I hate him.

This post is short because I am going fishing with captain panda.Enjoy the picture you fuckers

If you aren’t already aware,the 2 brendans both reside in Bayside,New York.We have decided to write a survival guide in case girls ever come to visit.These are rules you should probably abide by or things you need to understand in order to have a successful Bayside experience.

1.Bring money-This isn’t Manhattan guys aren’t going to offer to buy you drinks all night because you happen to be pretty. If a Bayside guy has extra money he is going to use it to either gamble,buy more shots,or for some other type of recreation so be prepared to pay for your own shit.

2.If you are looking to meet a guy that works for a hedge fund you are out of luck.If you are hoping to meet a teacher, cop,fireman,union worker etc. you are in the right neighborhood.

3.If you are hoping to meet a tan guy that slaves away at the gym you are probably in the wrong neighborhood.If you are hoping to meet a pasty guy with blue eyes you will probably have some success.

4.If you walk into one of the bars and it seems like everyone in there is somehow related and they all know each other, you are not imaging that.

5.If a Bayside guy asks what you do for a living and you respond with any answer other than teacher or nurse we are going to assume you are a stripper.

6.Some of the bars serve beers in cans,deal with it.

7.Don’t bring any guys with you because we have enough of them.If you do bring guys make sure they are wearing affliction or ed hardy shirts so we can immediately identify them as outsiders.

I think a line my friends sister used about this neighborhood will really sum up what your experience will be like. “Every time my girlfriends want to meet guys I bring them to Bayside and they always complain because they say those guys are too busy gambling, making fun of each other,or doing shots to even notice that girls are here”

yes I stole this from barstool sports because i have never laughed so hard.Probably not something you want to watch at work,unless you are in the marines and people are constantly using the word fuck around the office.

So Donna Summer is dead and her most popular song was “Last Dance”, and I think that’s pretty ironic; and by ironic I really mean hysterical. In her honor we are going to give you a list of dead singers and how awesome it would be if they had written/sang other musicians songs.

1. Kurt Cobain- “Happiness is a Warm Gun” by the Beatles. Fortune and fame weren’t enough to make Courtney Love tolerable. A shotgun was.

2. Notorious BIG- “Going back To Cali”. Ironically one of his songs. Maybe he realLy was ahead of his time.

3. Tupac- “Who Shot Ya” by Biggie. Sometimes shit like this happens and everything fits neatly in a perfect package.

4. Jim Morrison- “Sister Morphine” by the Rolling Stones. Heroin iS a real crap shoot, this guy died at 27 and Keith Richards is still gettin laid. Wow.

5. Mama Cass- “Lunchlady Land” by Adam Sandler. There isn’t really an abundance of music about ham sandwiches so we had to stretch it here. Notable runner up: Cheeseburger in Paradise.

6. Janis Joplin- “You’re Pretty When I’m Drunk” by the Bloodhound Gang. But let’s be serious, you’d have to be really fuckin drunk. I mean you had to have a grudge against your penis to bang Janis.

7. Eric Claptons child- “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind. Even I’m not happy about this one. Just horrible.  Moving on.

8. Whitney Houston- “Don’t Drink The Water” by Dave MatthewS.  Sage advice, especially if youre underwater.

PS- Being that 2Brendans are Irish Catholics, we will take the high road and extend sympathies to the Kennedy family in their time of grief.

PPS- Being that nothing is sacred to the 2Brendans, any woman who marries, sleeps with, babysits for, or goes on an airplane trip with any of the Kennedys is just downright retarded

I just read that Tim Tebow’s attorneys issued a cease and desist order to a t shirt company for their production of sacrilegious t shirts. It made me wonder several things: I know that all the best attorneys are Jewish, so does Tebow use them and pray for forgiveness? Or does he employ lawyers from his Christian sect? It’s weird, I know, but these are the things I think about all day. Here’s a short list of the weird shit I’ve thought about this week. Keep in mind it’s only Wednesday.

1. Why do gay criminals go to regular jail when they are convicted of a crime? Sending gay dudes upstate for a period of time with food, shelter and all the sex they can handle is hardly punishment, it’s Spring Break.

2. Who did Germany’s books during World War II ? All it would’ve taken was one good Jewish accountant to tell Hitler they couldn’t afford a war on 2 fronts. Ironic.

3. All Ron Paul ever did during the debates was stand on the stage and yell shit. He’s a gynecologist by day. Does he put his patients into those stirrup things and proceed to yell shit into their vaginas? Awesome. I hope so.

4. How did the Polish have the bad luck to become the butt of everyone’s jokes? Why not the Czechs? The Finns? I’m not really sure about the history of it, but I’m sure there’s a dynamite story somewhere along the line.

5. What’s Barack Obama always smiling at?  Its not funny at all dude, it’s fuckin’ tragic.

6. To be fair, I never knew what George Bush was always smiling at, but his absurd statements made me smile so I kinda liked him for it.

7. How come Coast Guard gets no love as far as military goes? I feel like being an Air Force mechanic is a lot safer than chasin’ drug dealers in cigarette speedboats in the Keys. This could be because I’m afraid of sharks… And drug dealers… From central America.

8. If Micheal J. Fox is such a good actor, then why doesn’t he just pretend he’s someone who’s not shaking? Gary Oldman would be able to.

9. Whats the difference between the Triads and the Yakuza? And do they all do karate?

10. When the FUCK will girls black stretchy pants become accepted as formal wear?

11. How do illegal immigrants feel about the Spanish dude from Facebook renouncing his American citizenship to save 67 million dollars in taxes? Do they resent him? Are they indifferent? They probably won’t know till they reference it during the World Cup or on Cristina?

12. How long will it take before this website makes us millions and I can stop sitting at work wondering these fuckin’ things?

So the 2 brendans met a porn star the other day. To be honest, it wasn’t the first porn star I ever met, I met Julian St. Jox back in 03′. Ye, I remember the year and I know that’s weird. Meeting a male porn star is weird because the questions you can ask are pretty limited. Basically we asked how many women he had in his life and he estimated it was about 7,000 and no, I am not making that up. We asked how many women he had slept with and his guess was around 7,000. We also named specific porn stars and asked who was on his list. I don’t really remember his answers other than him saying Jenna Jameson was not on his list because she didn’t do black guys. I don’t issue statements on morality, but the concept of a racist porn star is pretty hysterical. So anyway, the long lady we met was named Kleio and if you would like to check out her work her website is burningangel.com and the following is a list of actual things that we learned or said to her during the day.

1. Porn sites do not have fluffers on them. Some creep made that title up and passed it off as something real.

2. We learned what production assistants have to do on porn sites. Believe me when I tell you that it is not awesome.

3. The clitoris an actual thing.

4. People still pay to watch porn on the internet (This one really shocked me.)

5. Porn stars drink Stella. ( Maybe not all porn stars but this one did.)

6. It is possible to insult a porn star. (I thought telling a girl that only douches drink Stella would be funny, but apparently not so much.)

So voters this week overwhelmingly approved a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage in North Carolina. I have no problem with gay marriage because I think people should do whatever makes them happy. I spent a year in North Carolina and I feel like the residents of that state should solve the following list of problems before worrying about gay marriage.

1. Your strip clubs suck. Please stop hiring every girl that applies.

2. The best steakhouse in your whole state is Outback.

3. The most fun place to hang in North Carolina is Walmart.

4. The best place to work in North Carolina, if you aren’t in the military, is Walmart. You know what, scratch that last comment, I’m pretty sure the people at Walmart get paid better than the guys in the military.

5. Your dive bars are too trashy for even me and I can hang in Woodside or Rockaway with no problem so that is really saying something.

I could probably write about this all day because I really hated North Carolina. I would go back to Iraq before I would spend another year in North Carolina. That’s real talk right there.

So, if you read, watch TV, have the internet, etc. you know about the latest accusations about John Travolta. I don’t really know the specifics of the case, but I know one thing, if I guy is paying $200 an hour for a massage of course he is going to want more than a massage. I’m not saying that it makes it OK, but let’s be honest, if you are a dude that massages other dudes for money you really should expect to get harassed. On that note here is a list of other celebrities that I’m pretty sure are gay.

1. Lamar Odom – His wife is a dude, ipso facto, he is gay.

2. Tom Cruise – The fact that him and Travolta are both Scientologists is not a coincidence.The founder of Scientology wrote a book about how to convert homosexuals into straight people, this explains why Travolta and Cruise are members.

3. Jonathan Cheban – If you watch the Kardashians you know he is. (Editors note: I only watch the show for research purposes.) If you haven’t seen the show, take a look at the picture I have provided and that should be all the proof you need.

4. Ross from Friends – Definitely a gay character disguised as straight in order to trick the masses.No straight dude is that sensitive,real talk.

5. Uncle Joey from Full House – I still don’t know what that dudes deal was, but there is no way he was making his living as a comedian. Him and Danny Tanner must have had some side arrangement going on that no one knew about.

6. Paul Walker – No dude this good looking can be straight.

7. Channing Tatum – See above.

8. Hulk Hogan – He is about 50. divorced and wrestles around with other oiled upped men for money.

9. Derek Jeter – I have no proof, but just suggesting it will annoy Yankee fans, who are the only people on earth more sensitive than teachers.

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